It was a lovely evening one week ago, was being the keyword, as the my fiance and I were relaxing on the couch enjoying a movie. Suddenly, out of the bedroom and through the kitchen, came the soaring beast. With fangs drawn and red eyes glowing it swooped down into living room in which we were sitting. Making a hasty exit, I shortly thereafter peeked my head back in the living room to track the beast. The little bastard made a kamikaze move and dove into my leg, probably attempting to bite its target. I jumped back and left the room once again.
And then the beast was gone, nowhere to be seen despite seeking the beast for many a hour. It was then decided that it must have left from which it came and we went to bed for the night.
Three nights later, this time watching a movie in the bedroom, a fluttering was noticed in the kitchen. The beast was back. This time more prepared, I dressed in my gear and prepared for battle. Sketcher boots, jeans, hoodie, leather globes, LED flashlight, towel... I was set to destroy the beast. Venturing out into the kitchen, the beast was nowhere to be seen. I thorough search was conducted, but the beast had escaped once again. This attack by the beast meant only one other option... war.
Backup was brought it in with far more weapons: a corn broom, a plastic broom, ladder, moth balls, heavy duty flashlight and the most powerful weapon of them all, a pellet gun. The backup kept a vigilant eye out for the beast all day while I was at work, but to no avail. Upon arriving home I too kept a look at but saw nothing. The beast had continued to elude us.
After now six days it was decided the beast must be dead. The only possible entry/exit had been plugged and there was little source for food. Life could continue on as it had been. Or so we thought.
Again, while enjoying the seasonal classic "The Nightmare Before Christmas" the beast appeared from the bedroom and swooped down into the kitchen. Immediate action was taken with my fiance heading for a safer position as I grabbed my gear. I found the beast perched on the floor directly in front of my dresser and covered it with the towel. The beast used the strength of a thousand men and worked its way free before I could capture him. This time I was able to track the beast, right to the corner of the window in our bedroom.
Distance and position of the bat inhibited the use of the pellet gun. Damn! I decided I shall use the next most powerful weapon, the deadly corn broom, to knock the little bastard off his perch. The beast took off in a flurry heading directly into our living room once again. Again it took a stand on the floor, this time directly in front of the closet. I shot the towel at again, once again trapping it beneath it. This time I would employ the most legendary of battle gear, a bathroom trash can, to capture it. Alas as I went to place the gear over the beast it had escaped again! It had crawled into the closet to disappear behind the boxes and other various items. After searching valiantly I dejectedly called it a night. The beast had outsmarted me again. Or so I had thought.
While laying in bed I heard a thud at the door. The beast was trying to mount a counteract in my own room! Quickly the battle gear was reapplied and readied. Peering out into the kitchen, the beast made a diving move for the bedroom, but I managed to block its path. I declared that the beast must now die, there is no time left for humanity.
Stealthily, I worked my way into a dark corner in the living room to await its reappearance. After some time I heard a squeaking coming from a few feet away from me and the beast appeared. It crawled to a point barely a foot in front of me and raised its red, glowing eyes to me. With the reflex of a ninja, the broom came swooping down on the beast, finally killing it. The War was over and I was victorious. Tonight I could finally enjoy the peace which I sought for the last week.
Note: I really wasn't as heroic as this sounds as bats scare the living shit out of me. I jumped and ran nearly as much as I stalked the damn thing. Actually I think my fiance was the tougher one of the two of us, so I guess I am a wimp. I hadn't intended on killing it, but after humanely trying to remove it, and out of sheer frustration, I did what I did. I am just happy we can now sleep in peace. And there may have been some slight exaggerations about the beast...
Mary's desk, December, 2013
34 minutes ago